Inner Struggle
by melodyofsongs
Summary: it is so hard to keep a consistent relationship with God because of my limitations . . .


Inner thoughts,

desires,

consume my very thoughts.

Sometimes it doesn't hurt 

because I make memories go away.

There is a great mountain,

So high,

So wide,

I feel lost.

I know I can turn to the Lord in my distress

But how many times can I commit such sins,

such inner struggle?

I've never thought I was a bad person.

I've lived my whole life to be like Christ.

Yet inside I knew,

my inside never reflect His likeness

I have shoved God into the corner of my heart

my Spirit cries out in rage!

For it longs for His word to consume me,

With a fire that only Christ can provide.

Yet the same sin brings me back to 

forget about God.

Oh how I struggle!

Then I found a solution

The solution of man:

I ran away from God.

I've tried running ever since.

Until He pulls me back.

God continues to embrace me

His goodness knows no end

I come broken before his feet

And cry out:

"My God, my God forgive me. 

I have been too far from you.

I thought I could live my life as a good person,

then maybe it will justify myself before thee.

Yet why is there such a big hole in my heart?"

The torment is relentless.

Then once again I ask for your blood to cleanse me,

Once again you embrace me,

Once again I am whole.

Then it starts all over again for me: like lightening!

Then it comes again, that obstacle before me,

I feel like such a sinner,

Guilt plagues me . . .

I run away from you again.

I hide under the shadow of man.

I embrace this world.

This obstacle becomes even bigger,

because he knows,

Satan knows that I am already weaken as I am.

I fall again.

Yet you are there

waiting patiently for me.

I feel it.

I feel your Spirit moving

I come again to your feet and cry out:

"Oh Lord forgive me,

Change me,

Renew me . . ."

You take me in your arms,

soothe my pain,

Then you tell me, "Child, you are my own . . .

I love you".

I feel broken with my emotions,

Unable, except to gape my mouth a wide.

My heart burns. Your words "I love you,"

Your compassion breaks me,

makes me speechless before you.

I feel whole . . . you fill my cup . . . you make me whole.

But it never ends, 

This wickedness in myself.

I've tried so hard to not fall again,

but it comes when I least expect it . . .

When I became complacent and put you back under a rock.

My Spirit weeps for me,

for my folly is so great . . .

My Spirit departs for he cannot stand my wickedness anymore.

I think I have gained the world,

To perverse myself in my sins,

Sins that take form in many ways.

Not wanting to feel the guilt I've felt,

I ran away, Again from you.

O when would I ever learn?

Even writing this I know what kind of state I am in,

But my heart has become so hard, and afraid of 

reaching out to you again, to ask for forgiveness.

I am so afraid . . .

I despise myself,

I loathe this weakness, this natural being I am with the world . . .

I am scared to disappoint you further.

I am scared 

but the only truth that fills my hole,

fills my life, 

it can only be you.

"Lord, when had I let indifference take precedence over my

heart for you?"

Let this be a cry out to you . . .

Because I am in a state, which I cannot even, begin to express.

But you know me,

You have taken up your cross

And died for such a sinner like me . . . for all of us

I long for your embrace, even though, I know what kind of person I am.

In you are my hopes.

___________________________

A/N: I don't know if anyone out there might be feeling the kind of things that I am feeling. It's just that I have been brought up in the church since I was born. However, I accepted Christ as my Savior at a crucial time in my life in 5th grade. Without Him the circumstances of life would have probably killed me or even worse. To find out about and receive a gift of salvation from the crucifixion of Jesus Christ had held my life together. However, with age come the demands of this world. I began to lose that first love I had experience in my beginning relationship with Christ. Then slowly the importance of Him took a back seat to the events of this world. I became so cold, so indifferent, but yet feelings of guilt plagued me because I didn't love Him as I had before. I felt so guilty, (missing church, not doing quiet times, not praying, etc) that I ran away. Then slowly God called me back into his embrace, through constant reminders from friends, church friends, songs of praise, and endless others. But damage had been done, my faith keeps spiraling, up and down since then. I am in this moment of 'down'. I know what I need to do, I really do, but knowledge of it makes it even harder because my sensible self struggles with my inner self.

Well, I felt a need to share this here. This is just my experience, and I am not trying to impose myself onto other people, so I hope you (the readers) have an open mind about this because it just is a reflection / a prayer.


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